Because sometimes, life will just shit on you.

I am in pain. I am beyond in pain. I fucked my back up and I don't know how to make it stop. Had to sit through six straight hours of class today with a pillow behind my back only to discover that my phone no longer works and my boyfriend has had enough of me.

So not only can I not go anywhere, but I also have no way of contacting anybody for help with anything.

Serves me right, I suppose. I don't really know how to ask for help anyways. And I'm sick of being a little dependent bitch.

I keep having freakouts at night about death and zombie apocalypses - even had a couple nightmares last night about zombies and being kidnapped. I'm tired of it, to be honest. I'm so fucking tired. I can never sleep, I'm behind on everything and I'm contributing nothing to life. I feel... Like giving up. I don't know what else to do. I'm so fucking tired.

I just didn't want to be alone right now. I never like being alone. And I'm so fucking crippled and in so much pain...

I don't know what I did. I don't know how my life got so fucked up. But I'm tired of it. I'm so tired of it. I just want to curl up in my bed and never move again. Just cry and eat.

But I can't. Because I still need food and I'm running out of money and I have to go places but I can't. It's all fucked up.

I legitimately just hate my life right now. And I don't know how to make it stop.

Tell me how to make it stop.

To the neat-freak I used to call mine.

I miss you. Like, a lot. You were my best friend for a while and it feels strange not to have you in my life. But you turned into an asshole somewhere along the way and you're still not sorry for how you hurt me. I know I had my part in screwing things up between us, too. And for that, I'll always be sorry. But I never stopped trying, even when you gave up.

Every time I think of you, a small part of me is happy. But then I think about all the things you did and said, how your parents hate me, how the music came first, how easily you threw me away, and how far away you are. And it still just hurts so badly. Because I gave you my trust and you trampled all over it. You blamed me for everything. And I didn't deserve that. Hell, you didn't even wish me a happy birthday.

Even still... I miss you. And I do want want you to come back. I just... don't know what to do about it.

Best friends?

Stuck in the waves
Ripples of the water
Knocking me down
Over and over

I think that I
May be addicted to the poison
I can’t seem to stop myself

I indulge

The only thing I think I know
Is that for you
I mean nothing
And I’m so tired

Is there no one on the planet
Who could ever possibly
Put another person first?
I’m not even on your list

I’m tired of being second best
To a hypocrite
I won’t do it
Just go away

The truth is that
You don’t want me
You want me to want you
You crave the attention

And then
When someone better comes along
You throw me away
Over and over

Fine
Wish granted
Consider me gone

I don’t belong to you anymore.

So fuck people
Fuck trying
Fuck all of this
And let it all burn

Because you’re not supposed
To be made to feel
Like utter worthless shit
By your supposed best friends.

Just some food for thought.

I'm constantly surprised by just how little my friends give a shit about me.

Won't you save me, San Francisco?

I keep dreaming about him every night. And in my dreams, I'm always worried that he doesn't love me anymore. I'm always rushing to find him but I never can. It's rather depressing. I don't know. On the one hand, it's at least nice in my dream to have somebody and get some occasional action - something I'm seriously lacking in the waking world. I'm starting to think guys just don't like me. There was SOME hope a while back... But that hope is slowly turning to crap and stabbing me in the eye with its little dick.

I don't know what to say. I've gotten lazy. I've lost sight of some things. I'm just... worn out and tired. I don't know. It feels like I'm just the wrong person at the wrong time. I don't happen to like the real world so much right now. It's like that new Owl City song - I don't really feel like I belong in the real world. It's so much nicer, so much safer, in my head...

And it surprises me just how much time I spend daydreaming. I'm like Rapunzel, still waiting for my life to begin. I'm in limbo. Maybe it's just the jet lag or maybe it's a depressive episode. Maybe all I really need is a good cry and I'll feel better. I don't know. I've been needing to cry for a few days now. Could also be that it's nearly that time of the month.

I'm still getting those glimpses, those glimmers, from here inside limbo. Those hints of something greater. I'm not sure how much of it is a message and how much of it is in my head. It's probably a lot in my head. And yet... I just don't know what to make of it all. When will I stop rambling? When is the struggling going to stop? And why am I so like Roxas, feeling that I suddenly don't know myself at all?

Why must I use everyone else's ideas to explain my feelings? I wish I had an answer. Maybe I just don't trust my own opinions anymore.

It's weird, how a new city gives you hope and makes you feel like a total stranger all at the same time.

God, how I miss residence.

Tokyo Drift is calling...

It can take a lifetime to go from who you are to who you want to be. All these books... The Slight Edge, Seven Habits, How to Win Friends & Influence people... I have an entire library worth of things to shift my mindset completely. It's scary. I don't know everything yet. I keep going back and forth between being amazing and being horribly depressed. It doesn't help that I may be leaving behind the boy I spent all year being best friends with. I don't know if I can really forgive him.

I'm not sure anymore. Reading The Slight Edge, I couldn't put my finger on the goals for my relationships. Maybe the problem isn't whether or not I put enough effort and selflessness into my friendships? Maybe the rents were right... They think I pick up broken people because I feel that's all I deserve. But as I slowly become less and less broken myself... Do I still deserve these people? People who don't have the strength and confidence to put me first? He never put me first. Not for years. I don't know if anyone ever really has. If so, it was never for long.

So I've finished reading this great book... Now comes more books. More writing. More reading. More research. Courses. Learning. Work. Building a life for myself. It gets hard sometimes, when everyone you know is a thousand miles away or more. I feel... empty at times. Like something's missing.

Life is foreign. Life is strange. Here I stand in the in-between place, fog in the rearview, scared. I'm afraid. And maybe it's just because nights don't do well with me. Maybe it's because he's not sorry and they're not hunting me down to talk. Maybe it's all in my head. I don't know anymore.

The world is a strange, strange place. It's hard to know what to make of it all the time. I turn 19 next month. I'm really just a baby, aren't I? But a baby who's lived a lifetime of pain, nonetheless. A baby ready to take my first steps into the big bad world and prove it to them. To all those people who said no. To all those people who told me to give up, kill myself, that I'd never amount to anything.

This one's for you. I'm alive today for you. Because when I prove you wrong and give hope to thousands of others who are in the same situation I used to be, it'll be all the sweeter to my senses.

Clipped wings on a lonely boardwalk.

Not sure what the hell I'm doing anymore. All I know is that everyone's gone. I hate this place. Yet I can't stop myself. All I have the energy to do is dig my pretty hole and sit in it, just like this. I can't deal. When did I become so lost? And why the fuck does nobody care?

They all know. They all see. But I'm really not important enough to anyone, so...