A Collection of Defining Moments

Because sometimes, life will just shit on you.

2011-10-26T15:22:00.000-07:00

I am in pain. I am beyond in pain. I fucked my back up and I don't know how to make it stop. Had to sit through six straight hours of class today with a pillow behind my back only to discover that my phone no longer works and my boyfriend has had enough of me.

So not only can I not go anywhere, but I also have no way of contacting anybody for help with anything.

Serves me right, I suppose. I don't really know how to ask for help anyways. And I'm sick of being a little dependent bitch.

I keep having freakouts at night about death and zombie apocalypses - even had a couple nightmares last night about zombies and being kidnapped. I'm tired of it, to be honest. I'm so fucking tired. I can never sleep, I'm behind on everything and I'm contributing nothing to life. I feel... Like giving up. I don't know what else to do. I'm so fucking tired.

I just didn't want to be alone right now. I never like being alone. And I'm so fucking crippled and in so much pain...

I don't know what I did. I don't know how my life got so fucked up. But I'm tired of it. I'm so tired of it. I just want to curl up in my bed and never move again. Just cry and eat.

But I can't. Because I still need food and I'm running out of money and I have to go places but I can't. It's all fucked up.

I legitimately just hate my life right now. And I don't know how to make it stop.

Tell me how to make it stop.

To the neat-freak I used to call mine.

2011-07-25T11:14:00.000-07:00

I miss you. Like, a lot. You were my best friend for a while and it feels strange not to have you in my life. But you turned into an asshole somewhere along the way and you're still not sorry for how you hurt me. I know I had my part in screwing things up between us, too. And for that, I'll always be sorry. But I never stopped trying, even when you gave up.

Every time I think of you, a small part of me is happy. But then I think about all the things you did and said, how your parents hate me, how the music came first, how easily you threw me away, and how far away you are. And it still just hurts so badly. Because I gave you my trust and you trampled all over it. You blamed me for everything. And I didn't deserve that. Hell, you didn't even wish me a happy birthday.

Even still... I miss you. And I do want want you to come back. I just... don't know what to do about it.

Best friends?

2011-07-23T23:42:00.001-07:00

Stuck in the waves
Ripples of the water
Knocking me down
Over and over

I think that I
May be addicted to the poison
I can’t seem to stop myself

I indulge

The only thing I think I know
Is that for you
I mean nothing
And I’m so tired

Is there no one on the planet
Who could ever possibly
Put another person first?
I’m not even on your list

I’m tired of being second best
To a hypocrite
I won’t do it
Just go away

The truth is that
You don’t want me
You want me to want you
You crave the attention

And then
When someone better comes along
You throw me away
Over and over

Fine
Wish granted
Consider me gone

I don’t belong to you anymore.

So fuck people
Fuck trying
Fuck all of this
And let it all burn

Because you’re not supposed
To be made to feel
Like utter worthless shit
By your supposed best friends.

Just some food for thought.

2011-07-20T10:44:00.001-07:00

I'm constantly surprised by just how little my friends give a shit about me.

Won't you save me, San Francisco?

2011-06-22T11:59:00.000-07:00

I keep dreaming about him every night. And in my dreams, I'm always worried that he doesn't love me anymore. I'm always rushing to find him but I never can. It's rather depressing. I don't know. On the one hand, it's at least nice in my dream to have somebody and get some occasional action - something I'm seriously lacking in the waking world. I'm starting to think guys just don't like me. There was SOME hope a while back... But that hope is slowly turning to crap and stabbing me in the eye with its little dick.

I don't know what to say. I've gotten lazy. I've lost sight of some things. I'm just... worn out and tired. I don't know. It feels like I'm just the wrong person at the wrong time. I don't happen to like the real world so much right now. It's like that new Owl City song - I don't really feel like I belong in the real world. It's so much nicer, so much safer, in my head...

And it surprises me just how much time I spend daydreaming. I'm like Rapunzel, still waiting for my life to begin. I'm in limbo. Maybe it's just the jet lag or maybe it's a depressive episode. Maybe all I really need is a good cry and I'll feel better. I don't know. I've been needing to cry for a few days now. Could also be that it's nearly that time of the month.

I'm still getting those glimpses, those glimmers, from here inside limbo. Those hints of something greater. I'm not sure how much of it is a message and how much of it is in my head. It's probably a lot in my head. And yet... I just don't know what to make of it all. When will I stop rambling? When is the struggling going to stop? And why am I so like Roxas, feeling that I suddenly don't know myself at all?

Why must I use everyone else's ideas to explain my feelings? I wish I had an answer. Maybe I just don't trust my own opinions anymore.

It's weird, how a new city gives you hope and makes you feel like a total stranger all at the same time.

God, how I miss residence.

Tokyo Drift is calling...

2011-06-04T21:58:00.001-07:00

It can take a lifetime to go from who you are to who you want to be. All these books... The Slight Edge, Seven Habits, How to Win Friends & Influence people... I have an entire library worth of things to shift my mindset completely. It's scary. I don't know everything yet. I keep going back and forth between being amazing and being horribly depressed. It doesn't help that I may be leaving behind the boy I spent all year being best friends with. I don't know if I can really forgive him.

I'm not sure anymore. Reading The Slight Edge, I couldn't put my finger on the goals for my relationships. Maybe the problem isn't whether or not I put enough effort and selflessness into my friendships? Maybe the rents were right... They think I pick up broken people because I feel that's all I deserve. But as I slowly become less and less broken myself... Do I still deserve these people? People who don't have the strength and confidence to put me first? He never put me first. Not for years. I don't know if anyone ever really has. If so, it was never for long.

So I've finished reading this great book... Now comes more books. More writing. More reading. More research. Courses. Learning. Work. Building a life for myself. It gets hard sometimes, when everyone you know is a thousand miles away or more. I feel... empty at times. Like something's missing.

Life is foreign. Life is strange. Here I stand in the in-between place, fog in the rearview, scared. I'm afraid. And maybe it's just because nights don't do well with me. Maybe it's because he's not sorry and they're not hunting me down to talk. Maybe it's all in my head. I don't know anymore.

The world is a strange, strange place. It's hard to know what to make of it all the time. I turn 19 next month. I'm really just a baby, aren't I? But a baby who's lived a lifetime of pain, nonetheless. A baby ready to take my first steps into the big bad world and prove it to them. To all those people who said no. To all those people who told me to give up, kill myself, that I'd never amount to anything.

This one's for you. I'm alive today for you. Because when I prove you wrong and give hope to thousands of others who are in the same situation I used to be, it'll be all the sweeter to my senses.

Clipped wings on a lonely boardwalk.

2011-05-20T18:28:00.000-07:00

Not sure what the hell I'm doing anymore. All I know is that everyone's gone. I hate this place. Yet I can't stop myself. All I have the energy to do is dig my pretty hole and sit in it, just like this. I can't deal. When did I become so lost? And why the fuck does nobody care?

They all know. They all see. But I'm really not important enough to anyone, so...

Double standards much?

2011-04-07T19:42:00.000-07:00

I don't even know what to say. We just got into a giant fight not even two days ago about me waiting on you guys for hours. I don't trust people who AREN'T TRUSTWORTHY. If you say you're going to do something and then do another, I don't know how to believe anything you say. I've already been double-crossed by so many people who said one thing and did another. And you get upset with me when I question whether or not I can be friends with people who don't act like friends should. You guys are the furthest thing from dependable on the planet. And right now, I need stability. I need people who give me reasons to trust them. I just don't see the point.

You know this upsets me. So why did you do the same thing not even two days after we just had this giant fight? Maybe this is why you guys don't have many other friends...

I just... Don't get what's so wrong with me that I would deserve to be treated this way by my so-called friends. Perhaps I still don't have any?

Maybe it's just a problem with my expectations. But I think if you really care about someone you'd take their feelings into consideration. You'd think about how they would react before you do something. I mean, didn't I just go through all of this with my ex best friend of four years?

I mean, if you call me your best friend, why can't you be a little more understanding that I'm a sensitive person who doesn't like being made to feel like an impossibly flawed individual?

It's not my fault that I don't like being criticized so harshly, so do NOT blame me. A true friend would understand that I'm this way and learn to treat me accordingly. Didn't I do the same for you?

I just feel like I have no one I can trust anymore. I thought I was past this. I was happy.

I suppose I was blind. Life is nothing but pain and suffering and loneliness. I shouldn't expect any decency or predictability from anyone.

I really want to give up and close down. There's no point in trying with anybody. I've learned this for years before. Stop seeing the good in people: they won't try for you.

And don't trust anyone to do what they say they will. They'll only let you down. And that just gets you hurt.

The empty sighs of a freezing cold bedroom.

2011-01-29T18:55:00.000-08:00

I was searching Youtube earlier for anything reminiscent of the whole Jessi Slaughter fiasco. I don't know, it makes me feel better seeing kids more infinitely screwed up than I am. Of course, I was never one for the whole Youtube thing - I can never find anything in that mass collective of videos, anyways. But something in my DIY film class got me thinking.

This is the new global media. This is how teenagers connect with one another these days when they can't find people in real life to connect to. I mean, why not?

Of course, this thinking led me back to IMVU which just made me even more depressed. I have so much homework to do... Why am I wasting my time with this virtual crap? That thinking led me (of course) to only the minimal checking of the forum to see if my skin has been finished yet and some severe disgust in myself for not finishing my homework.

I think I'm well enough to start doing stuff again. Maybe not to leave my room tonight, but to go out to find myself some lunch tomorrow.

Which brings me to the next part of my train of thought. While I sit here waiting for my idiot phone to reboot, I partake once more of viewing the lovely DVDs on my shelf. Tonight, it's a revisiting of Morgan Spurlock's "Super Size Me". The wonderful messages in this iconic film are made more humorous by the fact that I am living in residence.

Residence food is not food. It is merely an allowance of the fast-food restaurants located in a building not too far from where I sit typing on my laptop. The healthiest things we have to eat are cafeteria sushi and a Subway restaurant. Needless to say, my cholesterol has spiked since coming here and my exercise regimen has fallen by the wayside. I feel fat and I feel gross. Of course, I have not been able to leave my residence at all this week so I'm sure that hasn't helped...

I'm also sure that the copious amounts of sex I've been having can't really hurt things too much. But new and old boyfriends aside, this movie has made me realize something: I don't like feeling gross. But I totally CAN make myself feel better. The first easy step is to change my eating slightly. Why not just drink water instead of soda and juice and gatorade and chocolate milk and all this other crap I've been drinking? I like water. I miss water.

The second is to start eating Subway sandwiches again. I'm talking the six inch whole wheat sliced meat and veggie goodness that I used to devour as much as I could while I was still living under the roof of the crazy diet-obsessed people I call my family.

Granted, I haven't been doing too badly. I've mostly stuck to Jimmy The Greek salad, rice and chicken sans the sauces. But I know there's still a ton of oil and grease in that, even if it IS better than pizza or chinese food.

Still, I'm one for routine. I like to eat in the same places over and over, order the same foods all the time and hang with the same people time and time again. Why not just switch my eatery of choice back to Subway and limit my snacks to three times a day? Surely it couldn't hurt. And the copious amounts of getting it on and walking all over campus will keep me active enough not to totally hate myself. I'm curious to see where this will go.

I also want to start writing again. If not my prequel, than perhaps I shall continue my painfully awkward little story about the boy whose childhood sweetheart gets murdered by the new kid and his life goes to shit. Ah, the good old days.

I'm not sure why I'm not writing anymore. I mean, it makes sense. I've basically lost a ton of my friends all at the same time and I feel horribly out of control. Why not slip back into my old outlet?

I miss having a purpose in life. I miss being productive and having a sense of control. Perhaps for now at least this blog will keep my hunger for emotional release satiated. All I know is that I can't wait for my baby to come back to residence. He's only been gone two hours and I already miss him like crazy.

Although, I'm sure being used to spending every waking and sleeping hour possible next to him hasn't helped matters. Oh well. So much for balance. I'm off to finish watching my movie and hopefully complete one of my many readings before tomorrow. Fingers crossed I can get anything done.

Catch you on the flipside...

This afternoon is all yours.

2011-01-29T12:09:00.000-08:00

This week has been... well, depressing, to say the least. Being in bed sick all week for someone like me has left me feeling incapable of being self-sufficient. All I do is rely on other people. And to be fairly honest, there aren't a lot of other people to rely on.

Yes, I feel incredibly lonely. And having just lost my best friend (and still being unsure whether or not every friend I know through her is gone too), I could not feel more cut off from the world. Here I stand trying to purge my life of everyone who is not good for me... And there are very few people left.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. The stress has left me unstable. I just want to sit in bed and cry for hours upon hours. I don't want to be alone. Please don't leave me alone. Not with these thoughts in my head.

Tell me what to do with my time. Tell me how to be and who to trust. Because I really don't know anymore.

I feel so lost...

Yes, I just ate your fucking cookie. Deal with it.

2009-09-08T19:12:00.000-07:00

I could've gone to the release thing, but I didn't. Cuff The Duke. See the thing is, I know this guy who's a real big music buff. I'm talking knows fucking everything. He's been to more concerts than I can ever even know about. His eardrums have shattered like six times. Basically, it's his drug. And there was an event about it on book of face. He put himself as attending.

So really, I couldn't go. He's a big fan of Cuff The Duke. He'd know a shitload about them. He'd stand there being all knowledgeable. And he couldn't see me there. Because if he saw me, he would've started asking things like how I heard about the band, and which CD I liked the most. And then I'd be forced to lie. I fucking hate lying.

It's not like I don't like the band. Oh no, I think they're great. So what's the problem here? The problem is I didn't know about the band. Hell, I still don't know anything about the band. I saw the post on the Criminal Records website, got curious, and looked those motherfuckers up on myspace. Then I decided that I liked the band.

So really... I couldn't go. Not with him there. Because he knows music... And I really have never heard of these guys until two days ago.

It probably would have been fine if I'd gone with somebody, but whatever. It's not like I don't have enough things coming up. I've discovered this wonderful little program on my computer called iCal. I had no idea it was there. But it's damn useful.

God knows I've been needing a calendar. My sister and I totally forgot about a concert because we didn't have a good calendar. I realized once the weekend ended that we totally forgot about the whole thing. It was supposed to be a birthday present.

I didn't mind too much; I wasn't that crazy about the band to begin with. But that is pretty fucking hilarious, don't you think? The tickets are useless now, so we had to throw 'em out. What a waste of cash.

Marianas Trench is having a concert soon. Cadet Girl and I have tickets this time around. And memory will not fuck with us, because I've got the iCal now to remind me when the fuck it is. It's her first concert. Now I now how Pretty Girl must have felt, taking me to that Blink concert. It's alive!

Pretty Girl and I are also seeing the Brand New concert in November. She's convinced that their new album is going to suck, but I'm really excited. See the thing with Pretty Girl is that she likes lyrics over sound. Sound doesn't matter as much, just the way it is. And their earlier songs were all lyrics. Me, I'm in between. I like a good blend of sound and lyric to convey a good message. So now that their stuff is getting more well-rounded and focusing less on the awesome lyrics... Let's just say that I'll probably love the new CD. And she probably won't.

Certain bands I know this kind of thing with - that I'll love their next CD, I mean. I'm not often wrong. I fucking called Masterpiece Theater and Vancouver. I just knew it was coming. But I could tell with Viva La Vida. Giant flunk.

Oh, yeah. Vancouver is streaming on Matt Good's website now. It's an epic accomplishment of man. And it's totally what I fell asleep to last night. I'm finding I've been having sleeping problems. Maybe it's all the Digimon I've been watching before bed, but I just can't seem to shut down and sleep.

I've been watching the entire first season of Digimon. I've never seen it before - I feel like I've been deprived all these years. I went back and watched the first few of Pokemon not too long ago... I don't know, it's just one of those things I had on my summer to do list. Like write more than twenty pages of my new book. That one, I didn't do so well with.

Anyways, is it just me or is Kari a little freakshow? Seriously. That girl is fucking weird as shit. I'm hoping someone will smack her and be like you're freaking detached from reality! Wake the fuck up! Oh yes. I'm condoning the smacking of little children now.

Scouring for the episodes online, I've had the chance to compare the Japanese opening song to the English one. And I'm just wondering, like what the fuck happened there? One's all... Happy and spirited and the other's like impending doom and computerness. I don't know. Just a thought.

I'm getting my schedule changed tomorrow. My guidance counselor really fucked up my course selection, so if she can't fix it and her car is mysteriously damaged beyond repair... Yeah, that would be me.

I must not resort to violence. I must find more creative means of self-expression. Like that guitar that's rotting in the corner. I'll have to work on practicing one of these days. Shit, man. It's been a while. Last thing I was working on was learning Fuzzy by Collective Soul. All power chords.

Anyways, I'm getting pretty damn tired over here. And I still have ten more episodes of Digimon to get through before my teachers start actually giving us homework. Sigh.

Catch you on the flipside...