Tokyo Drift is calling...

It can take a lifetime to go from who you are to who you want to be. All these books... The Slight Edge, Seven Habits, How to Win Friends & Influence people... I have an entire library worth of things to shift my mindset completely. It's scary. I don't know everything yet. I keep going back and forth between being amazing and being horribly depressed. It doesn't help that I may be leaving behind the boy I spent all year being best friends with. I don't know if I can really forgive him.

I'm not sure anymore. Reading The Slight Edge, I couldn't put my finger on the goals for my relationships. Maybe the problem isn't whether or not I put enough effort and selflessness into my friendships? Maybe the rents were right... They think I pick up broken people because I feel that's all I deserve. But as I slowly become less and less broken myself... Do I still deserve these people? People who don't have the strength and confidence to put me first? He never put me first. Not for years. I don't know if anyone ever really has. If so, it was never for long.

So I've finished reading this great book... Now comes more books. More writing. More reading. More research. Courses. Learning. Work. Building a life for myself. It gets hard sometimes, when everyone you know is a thousand miles away or more. I feel... empty at times. Like something's missing.

Life is foreign. Life is strange. Here I stand in the in-between place, fog in the rearview, scared. I'm afraid. And maybe it's just because nights don't do well with me. Maybe it's because he's not sorry and they're not hunting me down to talk. Maybe it's all in my head. I don't know anymore.

The world is a strange, strange place. It's hard to know what to make of it all the time. I turn 19 next month. I'm really just a baby, aren't I? But a baby who's lived a lifetime of pain, nonetheless. A baby ready to take my first steps into the big bad world and prove it to them. To all those people who said no. To all those people who told me to give up, kill myself, that I'd never amount to anything.

This one's for you. I'm alive today for you. Because when I prove you wrong and give hope to thousands of others who are in the same situation I used to be, it'll be all the sweeter to my senses.